I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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