Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
