I need help removing her.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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