Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
