captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
