I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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