just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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