imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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