Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
