I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
