??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
