Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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