i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
this is an emotional support booty call
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
