i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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