I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
