this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
