you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
