i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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