I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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