Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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