Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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