i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
