it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
