I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
