Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
