How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
