ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
