I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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