I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
