I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize