I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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