there's paper in my vomit.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
