so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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