Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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