i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
