you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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