you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
