hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
