There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize