Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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