I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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