Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
