I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
