my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
