then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
