I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
