I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
