Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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