I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize