i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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