Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
