Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
