today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize