I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
