I'm so fucking centered right now
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
