Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
