is your mom at the bar?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
