It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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