Yo dont text me then not text me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
