I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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