If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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