im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
