I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
