I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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